Tomorrow I move my 19-year-old son into his first apartment. His girlfriend arrives in the morning from Georgia.
I thought I might be sad about this milestone, the reality is that I am really excited for them. I remember my first place and how much I loved it. I know what a sense of freedom you can get from your first apartment. Of course, I worry about if they will have enough money and I suspect that I will be helping them some. This is a good thing, because I don’t think I am ready to be not needed.
It is funny how fast time moves. I can still remember everything about the night I had Michael. I can remember his tiny balled fist and cute red and white Badger’s hat. That did not last long, soon we moved onto rock collections, Legos, and Hot Wheels. From there it became more about video games, hating school, and hanging with the boys. Through all of the years he has been a good son to me. I can’t wait to see where the road takes him.
I have been super busy lately. This is happening in part because I am much more active in my local community. I am meeting new people and working to be open to new opportunities. While doing this I am very aware that I need to shore up my boundaries. In the past, my boundaries have been kind of willy nilly and I paid the price for it. Here are some useful articles I found on boundaries…
This morning I woke up to find the yard covered in a layer of wet snow. It is the sloppy and heavy variety. When I first saw it I was immediately reminded of my mother. For some reason the Easter season calls her to mind more than any other time of the year.
Easter was a big deal for my mother. She always bought me new Easter dresses, shoes and socks. Here in Wisconsin it can be 70 and sunny, raining, or even snowing on Easter. The dresses were always very pretty. The shoes and socks were the awful part. The shoes were always white patent leather and the socks were short with ruffles. I loved to have fancy new things but they were far from practical. Thinking of them calls to mind wet feet and muddy shoes. My bare legs were always cold. I think my mother thought that Easter meant spring. Whether it felt like spring or not she was going to act like it was. This meant tights were out and bare legs were in. I don’t have a single memory of Easter from my childhood that did not involve being freezing and wet. Maybe the warm years just did not stand out to me.
Going to church was like going to a fashion show. Everyone was decked out in their fresh new garb. No matter how poor we were I always felt pretty on Easter. Mom would buy me a lily every year. Sometimes she would pin it to my dress and other times she would buy me one for my wrist. When I had my own apartment she would buy me a potted one. To this day when I see lilies in the stores, at springtime, my heart aches a little. She would always put together a basket for me full of candy too. Robin’s eggs, jelly beans, and chocolate. That fake grass would get everywhere.
When I became a parent there were many things I wanted to do differently. I tried to right the wrongs of my childhood. There is no such thing as a perfect parent but my 22-year-old self was determined to be as close to ideal as possible. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to relax. I may not have made the same mistakes as my mother did, but I have made my fair share of other mistakes. On the other hand, she passed down to me some really wonderful traditions. I have in turn passed them down to my children. Someday my grandchildren will have new spring dresses too.
Today my memories are bittersweet. I don’t like the ache in my heart but I am grateful for the time I had with my mom.
Motherhood is filled with so many tough choices. I always try to make my choices with the best interest of my children at heart. As they grow older and become teens and young adults the choices become bigger and harder to navigate.
As they start to take more of their choices into their own hands all you can do is hope you have taught them well. One thing I was not expecting with motherhood is how teens/young adults can turn on you and become rather judgy. They start to think they know better than you do, not just about their lives but yours too. It can hurt and it can even make you second guess yourself. You have cared for them all of their lives and so what they think of you matters.
I have learned that it helps to remember that my life is just that, my life. Sometimes I have to remind them that I am the adult. They may think I am doing the wrong thing but it is not their decision to make. When you’re young things can appear really black and white. After you have lived some you understand that life is shades of gray. Things are not as cut and dry as they might appear.
Another part of the growing up process is when they just don’t need you as much as they once did. Now you have space, time to fill. I feel like this time is mine and I should do with it what I want, after all I have put in my time and I have earned it. Once again they have opinions and it can be hard to not feel like you have to justify your choices to them.
I’m not sure where this post should end. I just felt like I needed to get my feelings out. I really believed that motherhood would get easier over time. I have not found that to be so. When they are little, and they adore you, life is actually pretty easy. When they get older and they have all of their own opinions things can get really messy.
Today I went for a haircut. I have been growing my hair out and I was starting to get bored with it. My stylist suggested bangs. My first reaction was to say no, but after we chatted I decided to give it a try. It has been 20 years since I have had bangs so this is a big change for me. Here is a pic of the new do…
The hard part is going to be figuring out what to do with it everyday.
Hey everyone I wanted to let you all know that my new website is up and running. I will be posting mostly over there. I want to continue this blog for right now. I’m just not sure how much posting I will be doing here.
The website will eventually have some archives from this blog, new posts, and some of the jewelry that I have been creating. Etsy is not moving my products like I would like it to so I am going to try to have a storefront on Weebly. If you want to visit my new page please follow this link…
On Monday I am starting a 90 day challenge with a group I belong to. I am excited but worried about some things. I don’t own a scale and I never weigh myself. The only time I ever get weighed is when I go to the doctor. The reason for this is because I just become too obsessed with the scale. I will weight myself everyday. I also don’t want my daughters obsessing over weight. It can be hard for me to be around people who are really weight focused. I am happy to participate in the challenge from a fitness perspective as long as I can keep my balance. Gaging success by measurements is a little better. I can better control that. Many of the members are doing before and after pics and I am not sure if I am going to do that or not. Bleh I am pretty sure this post is coming out as jumbled as my thoughts are right now.
In general I am not all that into being concerned about my weight. I try really hard to accept myself the way I am. What I do care about is my fitness goals. I want to be stronger and faster. Being healthy matters a lot to me. I consider myself an athlete and I enjoy sports and physical activities. If I lose weight along the way great and if not that is ok too. Bleh.
At least I have a few days to figure out how I want to handle things. Balance is the key and so that is what I will focus on.